We have it pretty good up here in New England.  Sure, the winters are cold, the summers are short, and we do have the occasional natural disaster to worry about, but at least we aren’t constantly on the lookout for vicious man-eating sea creatures who care little for the well-being of mankind.

Wait, scratch that last one.

jaws

We're friggin' gonna need a bigger friggin' boat, brah.

Great white sharks have made their way up the eastern seaboard to Monomoy Island off Massachusetts.  I’m no scientist and I certainly don’t claim to have any expertise on the migratory movements of lamniform sharks, but I can say with some confidence that I fully expect to see great whites circling the ferries in Casco Bay by next week.

As a public service, I’d like to dispel a few myths about sharks.

MYTH #1: If you are bitten by a shark, you will become a shark.

This is a common misconception, a hybrid of the “zombie apocalypse” phobia and “shark attack” phobia.  Fact is, a normal shark bite will not turn you into a shark any more than a dog bite will turn you into a dog, or a bite from a homosexual will turn you into a cosmotologist.  Zombie sharks are rare, but even their bites will not turn you into a shark.  Like human zombism, the disease can only be passed about among the same species.  That being said, if you find a zombie shark, keep it the fuck away from other sharks.  For serious.

MYTH #2: A shark can be discouraged by a swift punch in the nose.

This used to be the case, but evolution has given sharks a rudimentary grasp on the basic concepts of Judo.  If you punch a shark in the nose he will likely redirect the force back at you.

MYTH #3: Blood in the water drives sharks into a “feeding frenzy.”

While blood appears to make sharks go crazy, they are not “frenzied.”  Sharks can maintain their razor-sharp intellect even in the face of delicious, delicious blood.  If anything, blood in the water makes sharks smarter.  You know how in Die Hard you don’t see John McClane do anything really badass until there’s a group of hostage-taking terrorists in the same room as him?  Well, John McClane is the shark, and the terrorists are the blood.  And I guess in this metaphor the Nakatomi Plaza building is the ocean, and the other sharks are the limo driver and that cop who was on Family Matters.  And Alan Rickman is the human race, I guess?  Which kind of makes us the bad guys.  I don’t know about this metaphor any more, guys.  This metaphor is making me uncomfortable.

MYTH #4: That fin probably isn’t a shark.

It probably is, dude.  It probably totally is.

MYTH #5: Sharks don’t seek out human contact, and will leave humans alone if we respect their space and habitat.

I understand the sentiment here, but where will it lead us?  If we give the sharks the ocean, next thing we know they’ll want the lakes, too.  After lakes it will be ponds, and then streams.  Are you prepared to give our public aquifers to sharks?  Because I’ll tell you right now, that’s where this road goes.  Luckily there’s another exit to take, another road that will preserve the oceans of America for Americans instead of for fish with big teeth and a false sense of propriety.

It’s the one with the sign that says “Harpoon Store.”

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